Are you sure you’re doing it right?
This is going to be a tricky one. Yes, this might not be your first time, and maybe you’ve done this a couple of times but how do you really know you’re good in bed? We have both men and women writing in asking us whether there are tips or signs they might be doing it all wrong. We get it, you want to be the best they’ve ever had, yet you tend to over think things sometimes and it could either go your way or it could fail miserably. “Men are driven by performance,” says Linda Banner, Ph.D., author of Advanced Sexual Techniques. “They measure their manhood by how many times they can make a woman orgasm—how good a lover they are.” We’ve have listed down a few no-no’s when you guys are getting it on, check out whether you have done this before. If you have, try not to do it again.
1. Can you come?
We’re pretty sure this happens once in a while or maybe every time when you’re in the moment. We get it, you genuinely care about satisfying your partner but have you thought about it that he/she might assume you’re unsure of your skills. “You’re trying to validate yourself that you’re doing a good job,” says Banner. “These questions—Can’t you come? When are you going to come?—guarantee it won’t happen.” Here’s the thing, when you ask that question, your partner will be pressured to validate your ego or in other words she’s going to fake it to satisfy you. When that happens its going to be hard for her to focus on her own pleasure, and everyone can agree with us that getting to that climax requires a lot of concentration.
Solution: Just focus on the moment and please you both are experiencing, rather than worrying on whether she’s getting there or not. Instead of saying, ‘have you come?’ or ‘are you coming’, “Say things like, ‘You feel so good’ or ‘I love this part of your body,’” says Banner. It’s okay to check in with her—but leave her orgasm out of it. Simply ask, “Does that feel good?” or “Do you like it this way?” The results would be the same but there’s less pressure for both of you.
2. You push the back of her head when she goes down on you
Okay guys, this is one thing you guys should avoid doing. We get it, when you guys are in the moment, you crave for that extra sensation but every girl has a different gag reflex. Your partner has and knows her limit, she’ll go as deep as she can. “So many women can’t stand this,” says Yvonne Fulbright, Ph.D., author of The Better Sex Guide to Extraordinary Lovemaking. “ To most girls, it can be disrespectful when you put your pleasure overs hers, in the end of the day its a shared experience for BOTH of you, not one, but both.
Solution: You can cup her head while she’s going down on you – at least she knows she’s not alone down there and it’s a sweet gesture. But you want her to go in deeper, you need to ask her first, as in, “Are you able to take me deeper?” suggest Fulbright. Fulbright also suggest that at some point, gently touch beneath her chin to prompt her to make eye contact, by doing that it help reassures her that this is more than you getting off from her – it’s about the bond you both are experiencing.
3. Apologising when you come too quickly
Most guys do it and most don’t. It’s okay to throw out a quick apology if you come too fast. We get it, you feel bad that you had you fun but she hasn’t yet. But DO NOT make it a habit though, oh and if you do apologise don’t remind her it was only a 3 minute session, it’s okay to lie and say it was more than 10 minutes. “It’s okay to apologise on occasion, especially if she’s been left hanging,” says Fulbright. “But if it’s a regular part of processing sex, then it becomes lame.”
Solution: If you do come early, go wash up and continue, sex doesn’t have to stop when you are done. Shift your attention solely on her orgasm, she will quickly forget and she will love you more for that. Remember flexibility is key to an awesome sex life. “People end up being sexually intimate more often—and in different ways—when they don’t feel like it has to last for a certain amount of time, every time,” says Fulbright. “It’s more about sexual connection and enjoying each other.”
4. You change position when she starts responding
Yes, we get it, certain positions can be tiring but then again it’s an experience for BOTH of you not just one. “If she’s saying, ‘It feels so good,’ just stay where you are—that’s not the time to change things up,” says Banner. And yes, there are a lot of different and crazy new move people come up with every now and then, but it doesn’t mean it will help her achieve her orgasm faster, it might just delay it or even worst – it might end it for her.
Solution: Listen to her verbal reaction, is she likes it she’d be moaning like crazy but if it’s time to move on to another position, she will definitely signal you. It could be a verbal signal like “It hurts” or “I’m too sensitive” or it could be a physical signal like she moves your hand away or she moves out of position too often. If all this doesn’t happen, just keep on doing what you’re doing. Got it?
5. You go right into it
What’s the rush boys? You might be all ready to get your penis in there, but is your partner as ready as you are? If she’s not sufficiently lubed up or wet down there its going to be totally painful for her. In other words skipping foreplay is not very pleasurable for your partner. Fulbright says that fast-paced sex without foreplay indicates a lack of self-confidence. “It rushes the experience—it’s often the guys who’ve trained their bodies through masturbation to get off quickly, so they’re nervous about being with a real human being,” says Fulbright.
Solution: Take your time, and save your energy for the home stretch. Unless you’re just seconds from an orgasm or for a quickie and if your partner is all ready and wet even before you start touching her then go for it. “Sometimes the occasion calls for the Jackrabbit—you’re hot and heavy, and the second you get behind a closed door, you go for it,” says Fulbright. “But it’s not pleasurable on a regular basis.”
And there you have it, read it, think about it and work on it. Let us know whether we left anything out.