Insecurity is a little spider that can sneak into your relationship, building a web of jealousy and anxiety… And, ahmm, you usually don’t realise it until it’s making a messy spiral around you, putting your relationship of years or months at stake.
Gurrrl, the truth is… we have all been there and you’re not alone! Being involved in a committed relationship, especially when your partner has got better looks than you or gets checked out often in public with you next to him… you tend to slowly move into a dense feeling of unsureness that could possibly jeopardise your whole relationship. So let us help you go through this overwhelming phase with some girl-to-girl tips;
Stop confusing imagination with reality
The next time you start having negative thoughts, ask yourself: did it really happen, or was it just in your head? Fact check before you start going cray, distinguish between what’s real and what’s not with yourself – and your partner will help. Sometimes, we tend to go too deep and believe it is a sure-fire way to self-torment.
Avoid the Certainty Trap
Overcoming relationship insecurity is partly about becoming less controlling. This may sound strange, but feeling that: “This relationship must be exactly as I think it should be!” is a form of over-control. A sign of insecurity in relationships is when the desire for certainty becomes too strong.
Having to know whether your partner really loves you, having to know this, or having to know that puts a lot of unnecessary strain and tension in the relationship. The fact is, we all have to live with uncertainty.
Self-assurance comes from starting to relax with uncertainty. Wanting to know for certain that someone will be with you forever prevents you from enjoying the here and now. Nothing in life is certain.
Insecure people can still feel insecure even when they are told they are loved. Wanting what is not possible (complete and utter certainty in all and everything forever) is not possible, because imagination can still make up doubts. So stop looking for certainty where it doesn’t apply.
Give the relationship room to breathe
When you plant a seed in the ground, you need to give it access to sunlight, water, and air; you need to give it space to develop. Your relationship needs room to breathe. Schedule in some ‘separate time’ and just see it for what it is. The developing flower needing space to grow isn’t a sign that it is heading for collapse.
Stop ‘mind reading’
Constantly wondering what your partner is thinking is a quick route to anxiety. If they say one thing, don’t assume they mean another. If they say nothing, don’t assume that their silence is significant, either.
Many men relax by not talking. Constantly wondering and asking what someone is thinking is a dead-end because even if they do tell, will you believe them anyway?
‘Mind reading’ happens when we assume we know what someone is thinking when we don’t. When you stop doing it, you really begin to respect someone’s privacy because everyone deserves the right to have space to think their own thoughts. Constantly asking, “What are you thinking?” can make someone want to withdraw further.
Stop comparing current relationships to past ones
Have you ever taken an instant disliking/liking to someone merely because they reminded you of someone else who you disliked/liked? Some people do this with whole relationships. Because they were in a relationship with someone who was abusive, very critical or dishonest, or who left them, they respond to a new partner defensively or angrily when, in fact, the new partner is not really like the old one at all.
If you suspect you have been making faulty, unfair comparisons between your current partner and a former one, then write a list of all the destructive traits of your former partner. Write next to this list all the ways your current partner is different and review this list regularly. This will help you to stop assuming that the future has to be like the past.
The extreme form of this ‘sloppy comparison’ can lead to destructive over-generalizations such as, “All men are lying bastards!” or “All women are promiscuous money grabbers!”
For security: Seek self-assurance
Rather than always looking to the other person to make you feel secure in your relationship, get into the habit of reassuring yourself. Start to challenge your own fears and imaginings rather than just accepting them. Ask yourself: “Hold on a second. What real evidence is there for this fear?” At the same time, you can focus on the thought: “Okay, nothing in this life is certain and I can live with that”!
Sit down, close your eyes, and strongly imagine feeling relaxed and secure around your partner. This will train your brain to feel that “whatever happens, I’ll be okay.” Also, remember to communicate and pour your feelings out in utmost honesty!
And even if this relationship did end, believe and chant the mantra, “I’m strong enough to go through it and ride it and will have learned things from it.” We all need to go with the flow in relationships. What we fear will be ‘the end of the world’ if it happens never really is.
Focus on the good
Relationships are meant to be fun (at least some of the time). Insecure people look for signs of what’s not working. I want you to look for signs of what is. Doing this will get you and your partner feeling naturally more positive. No meaningful relationship will always totally work all the time. Being too black or white about relationships spells trouble. There are always some difficulties, but keep focussing on what is good.
This doesn’t mean that you have to accept anyone who will accept you, even if they are obviously not right for you. But it does mean that if there are occasional problems, you don’t have to ‘throw the baby out with the bathwater” and become so destructive that the relationship ends or you become so clingy that your partner ends it for you.
Learn to relax and enjoy your relationship. Stop the urge to have to control over what your partner thinks or does. Get on the new laidback attitude for some love to genuinely blossom.
A good relationship is there for you to enjoy together, to share resources, and develop together in healthy ways. If someone really does treat you badly or lies and cheats, then feeling insecure is a natural and justified response. However, if you’re actually in a generally good relationship, then follow these tips because what you have is precious.
Think about it, would you personally favor being next to a negative person like yourself… Stop that overthinking you’re doing! You matched yourself with your significant other and got on board in the relationship obviously for a reason… If the relationship is navigating towards toxic mental health in yourself, it’s about time for you to have “a real talk, a heart to heart sesh with your boo”.
But possibly not as precious as the knowledge that whatever happens, you can relax because you’ll be okay. If your partner puts up with a lot of your s**t — consider yourself lucky and chill out, yo!
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