As women, we do a lot to keep our nether regions in shape: monthly waxes, birth control, yearly checkups — you know, all of that jazz. After all, since we devote time and (a lot of) money to our face and hair, many of us think that we should do the same for the most intimate area of the body too.
But like.. should we?
It’s 2018 guys. Let’s get educated and stop following those so-called-healthy trends blindly. Note to all vagina owners: our vagina can clean itself, thank you very much. So please, leave it alone and just eat more yogurt instead, as it contains good bacteria that restores a healthful yeast balance in the vagina.
Here are the most bizarre things you totally should NOT do to your lady bit:
1. Wasp Nest
Online retailers on Etsy and Ebay are claiming that using oak galls — tree deformities caused by wasp to develop larvas — can help tighten the vagina and get rid of bad smells. That’s right, some women are actually rounding them into a paste as an at-home remedy for vaginal rejuvenation. LOL why would anyone even believe in this cr*p? (Kill it before it spreads!)
While some natural ingredients are hailed for their ability to alleviate health problems, this method can have serious long-term implications such as painful sex, a decrease in good bacteria and an increased risk of contracting HIV.
2. Vaginal Steam
On her site, GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow writes that steaming is the way to go to treat your rusty V. It is combination of infrared and mugwort steam that cleanses your uterus, producing an energetic release that balances female hormone levels. *chokes* I’m sorry, what?
Various ob-gyn has concluded that this grotesque process is a complete bull. The alleged benefits of getting your vagina steamed are totally bogus and that undergoing a treatment like this could even harm your lady bit. First of all, you could burn your vagina. (Fun fact: A bad burn could damage the lining between the bladder and rectum). Second, there are very few bacteria in the lining of the uterus and that those bacteria absolutely do not need to be cleaned out. And lastly, it won’t balance any hormones because the hormone factory is in the ovaries — not in the uterus or vagina.
3. Glitter Bombs
My God, please don’t put glitter bombs in your vagina — it’s magical enough without you having to shove sparkly stuff in it. Although this product has been discontinued (hopefully indefinitely), something called “Passion Dust” used to rock the nation when it went viral last year (2017). It’s a small capsule filled with flavoured glitter that dissolves in your vagina during sex. Not kidding.
The capsules will not create any sexual sensations, as its sole purpose is to add a sparkle and flavour to your natural vaginal fluids to make the experience of lovemaking that much more fun and enjoyable for you and your partner. (LOL what’s the point?) However, your partner may risk choking on the glitter if he goes down on you. Stay away, kids.
4. Cucumber Vagina Cleanse
Yes — you read that correctly. And no, you don’t need it. The current trend sweeping across the internet encourages you to clean your vagina by inserting a cucumber (peeled), twisting it around for about 20 minutes or longer if you can bear it. This, the proponents claim, will give your vagina a “facial”.
I’ve rarely come across such utter nonsense. A cucumber damages vaginal pH (acidity), which protects us from infections. And that’s all down to a girl’s best friend, the lactobacillus, a natural inhabitant of the vagina. Again, vagina owners: please don’t insert random things in your vag!
5. Sheet Mask
The idea is simple: Slap a sheet mask on your vulva to prevent irritation after shaving and waxing — and let it do its skin-refreshing thing. But, is this even necessary? I’d actually recommend keeping any sheet mask away from your nether region. Why? Because sheet masks are not designed for that area. Many will have retinoids or hyaluronic acid, neither of which are safe to go on the sensitive skin on the vulva.
Even if you choose purely soothing sheet masks, sticking them on your downstairs area might not be the wisest option. You could end up disrupting your vagina’s pH balance and cause irritation if any of the mask’s fluids get inside the vagina.
