Apart from the bedroom, we all have a list of places we would like to have sex at. Whether we’ve done it there or we’re including these places in our sex bucket list, there are always interesting spots that make us wonder: “What if I had sex here?” Hold up – exploring interesting places with your boo and introducing various environments to your bare booty is amazing and all. But, sorry – and yes, I mean to burst your bubble, honey – some places are just not meant for pleasure time. Maybe the thought of it is fun, but practically speaking, sex and these places just don’t go together.
So, without further ado, here are places you should NEVER shag at:
1. Grandma’s Crib
Please stop, just stop what you’re doing, put your clothes back on and go check on how your grandparents are doing. There is nothing sexy or wild or even fun about getting it on in your grandparents’ house. In fact, grandparents’ houses usually have a significant old people smell – like their ointments, vegetables maybe – basically, not really aphrodisiacal smells.
Plus, what if you’re getting banged behind a door, while your grandpa is quietly having a heart attack in the living room? Just, saying – I don’t think your grandparents’ house should be a spot to shag in.
2. In Your Parents’ Car/Your Car
Initially, I thought that doing it in a car would be kinda sexy and fun – you know, having myself a little Fifty Shades Freed moment. And then, reality hit me, and I discovered I could never pull that sort of stunt in a car. So, you’re banging, grinding, riding and bouncing in your car. And, mind you, every movement you make will shake the car. What I’m trying to say is, EVERYONE outside will know, and I don’t want a private moment like that to end up being a movie scene for the world to see.
Okay, some of ya’ll are gonna say: “What if we parked our car in a super private place and no one can see us?”… Oh, yeah? What about the CCTV cameras that are set up in those places? You’re giving the security guards monitoring those cameras a lot to see, girl!
Also, having sex in a car parked in a dark alley – because that’s the most private area – is not really a smart move, cause the next thing you know, a creepy stalker/potential murderer could be watching you! Also, hell nah – are you going to make a baby in your parents’ car?
3. Windowsill Sex
You know what? If ya’ll have sex by the windowsill, you might as well just film your own porn show and put it out on the internet. We don’t wanna know your business, alright? Also, what if that window was cracked or the windowsill is not sturdy enough? A great way to make sex fatal, I guess. Watching porn stars get it on is better than watching some weirdos trying to hit it off by the window.
4. Sex At A Funeral House?
I mean, humans are capable of all sorts of things, right? Imagine a room full of depressed, sad, crying family members – and then, there’s you sucking your man’s d*ck in another room. If that dead body suddenly revived, you’d kill it again!
5. Elevators
Elevators were built so you can go up and down a building with ease, not for you to be bouncing up and down that lightsaber. I rest my case! Oh, don’t even think of trying out that movie scene from Fifty Shades of Grey, unless you want your CCTV footage to go viral on social media.
6. The Circus
I’m not sure if they even do circus shows anymore, but if they ever revive them, you and your horny self can just stay at home. You’re not the clown, honey – that position is already taken.
7. Movie Theatres
Sure, there are private movie theatres meant for couples, but even if you rented out the whole place – still NO! You came for the movie, so just watch the Goddamn movie – don’t be creating your own movie.
8. At The Zoo
Hey, you never know – some humans behave like animals. Imagine banging in a silent, enclosed area in a zoo, thinking you’re completely alone. Then you hear a muffled roar coming from behind. Turns out you’re in the tiger’s cage. Well, good luck to you mate – not sure how you’re going to run with a penis stuck in your vagina.
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