Two University of Toronto studies have have discovered the two most common reasons why people have sex, and the answers relevant to long-term relationships are segregated into two broad categories of motivation: approach and avoidance.
Approach motives pursue a positive outcome. (“I want to increase intimacy with my spouse” or “I want to feel closer to my partner.”) Avoidance motives aim to evade a negative outcome. (“I want to avoid conflict” or “I don’t want to feel guilty.”)
In the two studies, 108 heterosexual dating couples completed daily surveys for two weeks. The subjects had to answer 26 questions about their motives like “To prevent my partner from becoming upset” or “To feel better about myself. Other than that, they also had to rate their daily relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction and desire.
Each category is also divided into subcategories: self-focused or partner-focused.
The results: On days when a person’s motivation to have sex is more positively oriented, he or she felt more satisfied—both in the relationship and sexually—and had a higher level of desire. Conversely, on days when someone was motivated to have sex by more negative goals, he or she felt less satisfied and less desire.
Amy Muise, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto and lead researcher on the study added: “Men do have higher desire in general, but the motives for sex and the way they make people feel aren’t different for men and women”.
“One thing we wanted to know is whether it really matters to your partner why you want to have sex, as long as they are getting what they want,” says Dr. Muise. The answer, she says, is yes. “If I am having sex more for approach goals, it increases my desire and satisfaction, so my partner probably senses that and it contributes to their outcome. Our satisfaction carries over to them.”
The second study followed 44 married couples for three weeks; and the results were very similar to the first study. Both studies indicate that people who had sex for positive reasons are obviously more sexually satisfied; while those who did it for negative reasons showed lower sexual satisfaction and desire.
Does this mean it’s better we’re better off not having sex at all instead of doing it for the wrong reasons. Muise suggests that the answer is complicated, but concluded:
“Unless the sex is highly avoidance motivated, it might be OK in the moment,” she says. “But you definitely get more benefits from approach motivation.”
[Source]
