Traditionally, we expect men to pick up the tabs after dinner. While most of us are okay with going Dutch, that does not apply to the first date. If you don’t pay on the first date, chances are, we’re gonna hear things like, “Whaaaaat? How dare he!” or, “And you were okay with that??” or “But HE asked you out!” from our friends. And even if we say things like, “But he was really nice.. and thoughtful, and sweeet”, that can easily be disputed with “Well clearly not nice or sweet or thoughtful enough to pay for dinner!” Yeah, kind of a big deal.
The fact that it is 2016 now makes it worse – with a lot of women claiming to be progressive and feminist and “I don’t subscribe to gender stereotypes”, men are often left confused. “So if I pay for dinner, will she be flattered or feel insulted?” a friend of mine asked recently. Although I advised him to go ahead and pay, I couldn’t help recalling another incident where a girl-friend of mine told a guy off when he tried to buy her a drink.
“You don’t think that I can afford my now beer???” She cried out loud. That poor thing scrambled into a corner.
“Um, babe, I think he was just hitting on you.”
“Oh. Um. Sorry. Why didn’t he just ask for my number? Cos I can buy my own beer.”
Okay, woman, chill, I thought. So where do we draw the line? What is acceptable dating conduct and what isn’t? Should men offer to pay on dates?
Another friend of mine, let’s call him X, once said that it’s not fair to expect men to pay on the first date. When I raised my eyebrows and said “Ok, explain,” he said, “Look. I drive. I pick you up. I’m sending you home. You save on transportation. I even buy a new shirt for RM 80 so I can look good for you. And you girls can’t even pay for dinner?”
Okay, X, and other Xs worldwide, listen. If you’re her boyfriend and said that, she’d probably say, “Huh, that makes sense,” and start paying for more stuff. But that does not apply if we’re going out for the first time. Because first dates are different. SO VERY DIFFERENT.
So I’m going to say yes, men should pay on first dates. I’m not speaking for every woman out there, we’re all very different, but that’s my stand. While most women would say that it’s chivalrous, and it shows that he cares for me; my justification is more on the effort we put in.
Pop Quiz: Do you know how long it take for us girls to get ready? Four hours? Wrong. One whole day? Wrong.
It takes one whole week. That’s right. I’ll show you how.
Assuming that we’re working from Monday to Friday, and the big date is on Saturday, here’s the rundown:
Monday – Scout for killer dress after work (scouting means walking in and out of every shop in the mall)
Tuesday – Scout for matching bags and shoes. Not successful because haven’t decided on the dress.
Wednesday – Scout for dress again. Buy new perfume. And a new shade of lipstick too.
Thursday – Manicure & Pedicure appointment. Threading. Waxing. And shit, cannot try on dresses now because nails need time to dry.
Friday – Lie to boss about migraine. Leave work early and continue scouting for dress. Buys 2-3 dresses because cannot decide which is perfect for the date. Buys a pair of shoes, no time for bags.
Saturday morning – Get up early for hair appointment
Saturday afternoon – Get all girlfriends to come over to help to choose dress. They bring over bags as well for us to borrow. Shower, dress up, make up.
Saturday evening – Date Night!
So when you don’t offer to pick up the tab, it’s not that we’re picking on the small things or not appreciating your effort. It feels like you don’t appreciate OUR effort. We spent the whole week trying running back and forth from work to look the best we can for you, so yes, we do expect you to pay for dinner.
At this point, you will probably say, “Well, I didn’t ask you to do all of that for me.” Of course you didn’t, but we’re girls and that’s what girls do on first dates. To be safe, always bring flowers and pick up the tab.
In a poll last year conducted by LearnVest and T.D. Ameritrade, “90% of women said they will be offended if a guy doesn’t offer to pay,” says Battista, founder of DatingwithDignity.com. Also, you might want to take note that when women offer to split the bill, it’s a sign saying they just want to be friends, because that’s what we do with friends.
The trick is, when you slip the waiter your credit card, just casually say,”So I’ll get this one.” To which she should lean in and say, “Thank you. I’ll get the next one.” Boom, you got yourself a second date right there.
